They said

They said.
Start new,
Get a clean slate.
Find forgiveness somewhere else
Especially when you get none.
Live without tip toeing
Around secrets
Around lies
Love is all about growing.
Not trying to stay alive.

be prepared for rain

And so I waited.
My life sank into the puddle
Full of rain
Gray clouds
Stormy sounds.
How much more time
When will it end
The rain stopped.
Above me
A rainbow in the distance
An umbrella nearby
Up above me.
Be prepared
for rain.

151/365 money

I've only been unemployed for about a month now... and I am screaming. I have no money, nothing is coming in and I still have so much bills to pay. It's like I want to be on vacation, but when everything and everyone around me is related to money - put me in my grave already because I'm already suffocating from the thought about it.

I wish there were easier ways to get more. Even more so - reasonable prices. I feel like everything I need or even want, is so expensive! Everytime I purchase something, I count the long hours I spent to get that money. Or even when a bill pops up, I reminisce over the fact that bills were just paid a couple weeks ago.

I can't stand money and currency. I literally just want to live a happy life and just not worry about expenses and blah blah blah.

I guess this is what I have to go through first in order to never complain about money ever again. I have to suffer. I h8 money and all the evil puzzle games it plays with my life.

150/365 fallen

I looked out at the cemetery.  So many flowers.  So many people.  So many graves.  Memorial Day is not only for those who fought for our country, but to loved ones who were once a physical touch away.  My family and I drove up the hill.  Two bouquet of flowers in our hand, encircled by many who have fell into a deep sleep.  Their souls have parted from the Earth and are now shared beyond the universe.

Can you believe the different stories each person at this cemetery could share?  What type of lives they have, what they were doing before there passing, and even so - who there loved ones are?  Could they see the impact they have placed on this earth?  There were so many graves.  So many people.  So many have fallen.

Happy Memorial Day to all who we love, for those who served our country, and to those who fought a good battle for a good life - whatever it may be, thank you.  Without you the universe you had created wouldn't be what it is today.

149/365 keeping my culture alive

As you know, my parents are immigrants from the Philippines.  Their first language isn't English, but Tagalog and Ilocano.  Tagalog is the main language of the Philippines.  Ilocano is the dialect of where my family came from in the Philippines.  The Philippines is made up of a lot of islands so many cities and communities have unique dialects.  I wish I learn how to speak Ilocano.  I wish I was one of the many generations to keep that dialect alive.

I never realized how privileged I am to be able to master a second language.  It definitely is a perk when your family's history is in a whole other country.  And I know many others, regardless if they are this ethnicity could master this language as well... it's just... I had the ability to master it because I am already a part of that community.

So with that, I think I'm going to start teaching myself how to speak Ilocano.  It'll be tough... especially since I'm so old now.  But I think it's important to keep a part of my culture alive.

148/365 point of connection

It's such a busy day. The streets are filled as usual: backed up traffic, people, persons, animals, voices, noises, etc. Everything around you is loud. You watch each step you take as you walk. You finally pull your head up to see your surroundings... and then there's a moment of when you lock eyes with another person. Completely aware and unaware at the same time. Completely in awe for seconds. The whole world around both of you has just fell apart.

When moments like that happen, do you ever wonder what they are going through? Who they are and why at that very moment - you both locked eyes? Your connection was completely one. Timing for the both of you could not be any more than perfect.

Before that point of connection, you both were doing your own thing. Getting from point A to point B with no idea that you would run into each other, even more so, lock eyes. For once the universe somehow told the both of you to look up, look out, and see each other.

Maybe the universe wanted you to see something. Realize something? Give you both hope maybe? Show you someoone that may be going through a similar situation as you... so the universe wanted to let you know you're not alone? Or maybe the universe thinks this may be the right person for you, so go up to them and start a conversation? What ever it may be, this connection was for you.

147/365 I live for your weather

The beginning is full of the sun. You walk around with curiousness. Ask me a couple questions and our conversations rolled off the tip of our tongues. We never really have a reason to share negative vibes because it is the beginning. We share a ton of smiles, laughs, and an amount full of light. The beginning is always the best weather.

The middle is full of light showers and thunderstorms. Some days are misleading. We would somehow end up with light showers, not completely understanding why we made it to this point. There are even some days that end in thunderstorms. It is already so built up that we never really knew how to control it. We let that storm go. And then we would repeat. Light showers and thunderstorms.

The end. Well, we didn't reach that part yet. We still go in the cycle of the beginning and middle. And I never want to change a single thing about your weather. I love your type of weather, no matter what you put me through. The universe is always for us. I live for your weather and I hope you live for mines too.

146/365 college schooled me

I definitely wanted to go through all the memories of my four years at college... but I was just over the whole idea because those memories are stories within themselves and actually a lot to talk about. So! I decided to just sum it up in one big picture (as shown above).

My four years at this school really showed me that I couldn't be superwoman all the time. That was just it. In high school, I was involved in almost everything and anything I was interested in. I was definitely "well-rounded" in my high school years because I was able to balance my time between my education and extra-curricular activities.

Although, when it came to college, I fell apart. After my freshman year of college, I started opening up more and entrusting myself with activities that allowed me to add to the maryville community. I was a resident assisstant, I started the first club that featured asian and pacific islander culture, I got into the prestigious acapella group and I somehow managed to be inducted into honors programs. I did everything that made my soul move and ignited the fire of "passion". But soon enough, and I learned it the hard way, I couldn't do everything I wanted to do.

Pictured above, was exactly that. Every word in black were my priorities. Every word in the dark gray, were what mattered to me the most. And lastly the light gray words were the reason I came to college.

So what is really pictured here was a journey to find myself. I knew I went to college to get a jump start on my career and get a degree - but college schooled me. College allowed me to grow and become who I am today. All the words in black allowed me to build new characteristics, get me out of my comfort zone, and helped me grow "out of my old closet". These extra-curricular activities molded me into the person I never would have expected to be.

The words in dark gray was who and what stuck beside me. No matter what I did, it/they were stagnant and plated a special role in my life, and I couldn't be even more appreciative for that. My most important people, and yes, homework & becoming a resident assistant (RA wasn't actually stagnant, but it was a role that helped me understand my anxiety/depression), were a support system that moved me. And without them/it, I don't think I would have actually finished college.

Finally, the words in light gray. These words were the reason I came to college. I had a clean slate. All I wanted to do was get in and out of class, study how ever much I needed to get A's, and then just eat, sleep, study, workout and repeat. But, that wasn't the case. Imagine if I stuck to that rhythm for all my college career? I think I would go insane.

Everything in that picture worked together for me. I couldn't be happier with who I am today and how my four years of college went. If I could do this all over again, there is room for improvement in certain areas, but other than that, maryville schooled me. And I'm glad that happened.

Love,

Mari J Leano

145/365 happy summer!

Wow, has it been a hot minute since I have posted on this blog... well, I'm glad I'm back.

Despite my hiatus on this blog, I have definitely been on all levels of stress these past four months.  But!  It is finally over, thankfully.  I officially finished my undergraduate year and achieved the highest goal I only dreamed of - my bachelor's degree. And it's not only a bachelor's degree, it is actually a B.S. Biology w/ concentration in Biotechnology.  With addition to achieving two minors of Chemistry and Math.  I know, I can't believe I did that either.  So, to pick up with this blog once again - I have decided to write out memories from my last four years of undergraduate school.  Let's start with my freshman year.

It was mid august 2013 and I was wearing a black oversized crop, blue shorts, and purple nike roshe's that my girlfriend had gifted me for a montheversary present.  I just remember completely sobbing.  I had created an ocean at the airport because I just about finished saying good bye to my friends who are near and dear to my heart.  Most especially, I had to say good bye to my girlfriend.  As my friends huddled around us, making sure my father wouldn't see, me and Mel shared our last hug and kiss.  I headed over to the security check where I would meet my parents.

I remember when I got to the security line my father said, "That's what you get for leaving... you can always change your mind."  But I knew this is what I wanted.  I got on that plane and headed to Missouri.

My whole entire freshman year at college can be summed up into one word: closet.  This word would sufficiently describe my freshman year at college because I was literally a turtle my whole entire year.  Until my second semester, I only decided to tell my roommate then, that I was gay.  How did I survive?  I just kept Mel to myself.  I never face timed her as much, and if I did - I would be in one of the study rooms in the library.  My roommate would never be in the dorms on the weekends, so that's when I would face time Mel 24/7.

I studied like no tomorrow.  I did other activities, but it wasn't a whole lot.  My grades were straighter than me!  I never really partied as much because 1) it was never really a scene I was interested in and 2) I studied on the weekends.

The only time I really hung out with people was when I was with Kirstin and Liz.  That would be the only time I would actually make time to spend with people.  Me and my roommate would also hang out here and there - we would go to Target every evening, Sonic late at night, watch movies etc.  But these were the only people I really got to know my freshman year.

Me and my roommate, ended up creating HAPA, a club that I would have never knew - would be near and dear to my heart.  It was only in the process of becoming a club, so I didn't think much of it. At the end of the year, I decided to come out to my work study buddies, who soon became great friends.  After this encounter, I decided to be the open book I know I am.

When my freshman year came to an end:  I accomplished great grades, was more open about my life, and finally added some friends that requested to be my friend on social media since August.  I was accepted to be an RA my sophomore year of college and I was really excited!

My freshman year was my closet year.  I wouldn't want it any other way, because this was the year I truly learned a lot about myself.

Love,

Mari J Leano

76/365 good enough

Do you ever have that one class you put a ton of effort in?  But see no progress?  I certainly do.

It is literally degrading.  Day in and day out, all I think about is this class.  All I do is study for this class.  I read large chunks of chapters.  I ask questions in lectures.  But nothing.  It is like I retain nothing.  Well, that's how it feels like - especially when I get my exam score back.

This class is an upper level science subject and here at my school it is known to be a rough topic to study... especially based on the criteria and content.  I did not want to be one of those students that would let reviews about this class keep me from doing my best.  So that's what I did.  I keep pushing to be the best I can be in this class.

29/365 immigrant excellence

I get it.  You want America to be safe again.  No thoughts of terrorism and diversity.  It is the American people who shall live and stay.  Not as American as we are only because they are "undocumented".  Working jobs, paying the government to go to school here, or even just trying to leave a crisis from their own home country.  They are all here for one reason and that would be freedom.  This freedom has portrayed immigrant excellence.

America is known to be the "Land of the free."  But after certain events these past years, international people are questioned whether or not they should be allowed here in general.  They are questioned based on race, identity, illegally, and the list can go on.  But in this particular time, specifically yesterday, January 28th 2017 - green card holders and other international people from seven Muslim countries are greatly affected.

Trump signed an executive order that restricts immigration from seven Muslim countries and suspends all refugee admission for 120 days.  Even worst, the executive order also bans all Syrian refugees indefinitely.  It's crazy how America is so split on this decision: praising it and criticizing it on the whole entire spectrum.  There have been almost 1 million green cards issued since 2014 and of that number, 30 thousand people will be directed back to their home country because of not completing the "x" amount of years to officially become a citizen of the United States.  Based on personal experience, it takes about 10 years for a person that holds a green card to officially become a citizen.  This executive order is definitely religion rascist and out of control.

The America I know is supposed to be the most inclusive, free, and open-minded nation in the whole world.  We thrive on every single person here, undocumented or a citizen to keep America going.  What hurts me the most is the amount of time, effort and money these undocumented people have dedicated to come to the U.S.  Personally, I would know about this because of my mother's constant motivation to get her whole entire family from the Philippines.

My mother, 25 years old at the time, was a green card holder herself in 1994.  My father, who immigrated to Hawaii when he was young married my mother in the Philippines and made me there.  Pregnant and married and working as a single mother because of the green card process - my mother finally came to Hawaii within a span of a year.  It was easy to get to America as an immigrant and go through the process.  But now, in these present years, it takes a much longer time to even get a visa.

Since 1996, at least a year in Hawaii - my mother petitioned for her parents to be immigrated there.  She went through the whole entire process of getting the visa, going to the Filipino Consulate to get documents done, and then waited.  It finally went through and my mother's parents came to Hawaii in 2003 at the latest.  My mother waited 7 years for documents that allowed her to be reunited with her parents again.  But what was worse was that my mother waited 15 years for her siblings to come to Hawaii.  In 2011, that was when almost all of my mother's family was officially holding a green card and visa.

Very close to my family, I am afraid that this executive order might be applied to all green card holders that are not specified just yet.  I am afraid that one day, the home my mother's brothers and sisters own and worked hard for, will be empty.  They will be sent back to there third world country that hasn't even give them enough to live and be free.  All of there opportunities and advantages in life will be taken away.  Everything they have contributed to this nation will be worth nothing.  And my mother's work, will be thrown right out the door.

This executive order has not only affected me and my family, but it has also affected the whole entire world in a span of minutes.  America is made out of immigrant execellence.  If it wasn't for us, America would be nothing.  I still have hope for this country and hope to see this order repealed or never exist again.

Love,
Mari J Leano

26/365 eyelash review!

This 2017, I wanted to commit to wearing lashes everyday.  Why does that sound weird Marianne?  Good question!  It is because, I buy my own lashes.  My lashes never do me any justice.  They are the typical short asian lashes and every technique I tried to grow them out - it never worked for me.  Since I started wearing false lashes, it took me to a whole other dimension.  Not only are my eyebrows on fleek, but eyelashes as well.

In the beauty community, eyelashes are known to compliment the eyes.  Whatever the style of the lash may be, I guarantee - your eyes will look larger and more defined.  In my case, with small almond eyes - lashes help me out a lot with my appearance.  It makes my eyes seem more alive, less naked and a little more "fluttery".

I have three brands that I use for lashes.  Two of the brands are very cheap, and the other one is more on the expensive side.  So today, I will review each one, hoping that it could help you out on your eyelash adventure!


Ardell Lashes - Demi Wispies
I don't exactly remember when wispies became very popular, but these lashes were my go to.  I would never really wear lashes everyday for my "natural" look years back, but I did wear these lashes when I went out.  As a first timer with lashes, I constantly had to glue it back on several times to get them to compliment my eyes right.  But afterwards, I got the hang of it and got it plopped on in no time.  Back then, I though these were literally the longest lashes in the world... but I was wrong.

If you are looking for an everyday natural eyelash look, this would be it.  I personally think that because of it being a natural lash and me playing around with other lashes that have been wispier for my taste - I definitely think I would probably start straying away from it now.  For a pack of 4, it is at least $10 to $11, which is very expensive.  But if you're just trying out the falsies I want some practice in, by all means use this!


Ding Sen - Wispi Lashes
Okay, I just got introduced to these lashes this past Christmas, and I love them!!!  I got it as a gift for the holidays and I could've never been more pleased with it!  It definitely has more of a wispy look than the Ardell Wispies.  They are much more longer as well and it compliments my small eyes great!  The price for these lashes, best price ever!  You can buy a pack of 4 from ebay - for $0.99!!! I am not shitting you.  I think the only thing I would have to say that needs improvement is how the packaging glue holds the lash in place.  It is a little hard to get the lash out in one, especially if you tug it too hard.  Just be patient because they are very prone to easily breaking.

Ardell Lashes - Clusters
I saw one of my favorite youtubers, Desi Perkins, talk about this type of lash... phenemonal.  It's like a wispy cluster lash - where it looks super odd in the packaging because your first thoughts would automatically make you think you can't make them work for you at all - but you totally can!  After the Ding Sen wispies, these are my fave!!!  I literally wear them until they are never wearable.  They are much longer than both the Ding Sen and Ardell wispies, so it gives me a whole new style to my eyes that I really enjoy. ($10 / 4 pairs)

Koko Lashes - Queen B's ($6.99 / pair)

I always loved natural lashes, but these doll lashes are my favorite ones by far!  Doll lashes are basically lashes that are out of this world.  It is made out of mink hair, so they look more realistic, but how they fit on my lashes... they make me look like I grew beautiful lashes over night.  It is like unreal.  The length of these lashes are so great.  They are so long I literally can never wear a pair behind my glasses.  If you have bigger eyes, these definitely may be lashes that are natural for you!  For small eyes, personally, they look a little fake for a natural look.  But for going out or what not - have at it!  Wear these whenever you want because these are bomb either way!

I hope you liked this review over lashes!  Let me know your experience with false lashes, extensions or anything beauty related!  May your lashes be as beautiful as your soul.  Until next time!

Love
Mari J Leano

24/365 manage your time

It takes a great deal to figure out a way to manage your time, especially when you have a lot of priorities to balance.  For me, I have to balance a reasonable schedule for the following priorities:  21 credits of school, 30 hours of work per week, running an extracurricular club, being in an extracurricular club, and giving myself #selflove time.  It is a lot, but somehow I manage to get through each day.  This is how I do it.

1. Map out your schedule
Every minute and second of your life should be mapped out.  I usually just make a spread with days being in the x-axis and times being in the y-axis.  From 8AM - 10PM each day, I first jot down what classes I am taking (because school first), then my work schedule, and lastly my curricular activities. From there I then look at possible moments for me to relax and do me.  I believe once you see a great visual of your schedule you will be able to stick to it and make any changes as you go.

2. Use your calendar app!
Now living in a technology world, it is easy to keep your calendar and schedule close to you, right in your phone!  There are many planner, calendar type apps that is able to keep you on track.  Personally, I just use the calendar app that is in my iphone.  I map out my schedule the same way, but I color code it based on the type of class, work, or event I will be doing for that day.  Plus it will  be easy for you to edit it along the way if there needs to be any changes or additions needed.
Fun tip:  If you plan to map out your school schedule on your calendar app - instead of typing in each day, even if there are some days with similar schedules - you can edit it to where you can put it "on repeat" or create a custom repeating days.  You can also edit it to where it will end occurring!  For example, you can do this for your school schedule or even monthly meetings etc.

3. Keep up with your #selflove time
Especially for people who are crazy busy - you need to leave some time for yourself.  It is never fun when you constantly offer yourself to everything else.  You need time for yourself, and it is totally fine.  Get some exercise, read a book, go shopping - your ideas for yourself are endless!  Sometimes a little time to yourself will allow you re-energize.  I usually like to schedule self love time everyday - especially on weekends.

4. Make time for studying
If you are a student like me, make sure you make time to study!  Jot it down, make it visual and seen!  Studying is usually the last of our worries - especially when you already have a lot to during the day.  Taking 21 credits, I spread out times for each class I am taking.  For example, if I allotted six hours in certain spots of the day, I make sure to work on every class for at least two hours.

I know, it doesn't make sense for me to work on English on a Monday when I have it on Thursdays... but that's the great thing about it!  It allows you to study and be ahead of the game.  Sometimes you would be so ahead that certain days you will find yourself having more time to yourself than usual.

5. Schedule exam prep times!
If you are a student - every professor usually has a syllabus ready for you.  In that syllabus, it usually has a schedule of everything you would talk about for the semester, and even so - exam days.  Use this syllabus wisely and map out when you will dedicate time to study for an exam!  For example, if you have an exam three weeks from now and have to study chapters 1 through 3, schedule each week, at lease six hours during that time to study a certain chapter.  Being able to spread out times to study for an exam and not cramming it all in one day will allow you to regurgitate more information and understand it a whole lot better.

These are my top ways to manage my time!  It is essential to have habits like these because it will always keep you on track, keep you ahead, and also not stress you out everyday.  Let me know what you do to manage your time!

Love,
Mari J Leano

22/365 safe and sound america

The 20th of January was when America watched the National Government swear in Donald Trump, as president.  It's been two days and I cannot believe we are living in a world where certain perspectives about America has been a real truth to swallow.  He hasn't done a whole lot yet, except take down the LGBT government page and several other acts... but he still has three years and 362 days more to go.

First off, I can't believe there are people in the world that respect his character and qualities.  How can you let a man, who uses derogatory meaning in front of the public, degrades many others, and even has the audacity to tweet selfish posts - to run a country?  Yeah, he's running the government and his feelings and how he acts won't be a big deal in the white house - but it is.  What makes me more afraid is that there are many others out there that still believe he his right.  His negative values and vibes has been shared around the world, and by surprise, there are many who accept it.  But of course - by popular vote, our voices will continue to be heard.

Second, you know, if Trump did not push to get Pence as his vice president - there was a chance he wouldn't have won this election.  It was definitely a great strategy on his move, because he knows, he is not traditional Republican.  On the other hand, Pence is the most traditional republican, by far in all of America.  If Trump did not get Pence as a VP, he probably would not have persuaded other true republicans to vote for him, especially in the electoral college.  Pence's values are far more worst than Trump's, knowing that he will do anything in his Christian power, before settling for the rest of America.

Lastly, he has taken out all the foreign ambassadors with no replacements... and that is just a shit show.  That's all I can say about this.

Overall I hope Trump realizes that is he wants to make america great again, he - in some point of his four years - will think about all of the people.  Not just about money and as separate classes - but as a whole.  I hope he will do everything opposite of what he campaigned for.  I hope he has a team of other republicans, the senate, and his undying cabinet - to look at america as a whole and not leave anyone behind.  As for me, all I can do is hope and make change happen.  He can't run america without the people.  So for Trump, I will only hope for the better.  I hope america will be safe and sound.

20/365 early bird

I realized that 2017 is going great so far! One thing I was great at in 2016 was sleeping in. I loved sleeping in. It was something I always looked forward to. Whether it be having classes that we're not 8 in the morning or even weekends that required me not to do anything important. I cherished those moments and made sure to make every minute count. But now it's different.

This year, 2017, I have been waking up at least by 6:15 am. Me and my girlfriend share my car to get to work or school, so to beat traffic and get to our certain destinations - we car pool. It's not great being late and it certainly is not safe to be driving anywhere feeling the idea of being rushed. So I have decided to become a morning person for several reasons.

1. Beauty and makeup.
I literally make time for this. If this means I have to be up at least an hour and a half before - I will do it. I have a lot of makeup and I never like wasting it. I make sure everyday my eyebrows are on, eyeliner on fleek & eyelashes are perfect. I think makeup makes me feel more awake, definitely cuter & keeps me feeling a little confident theoughout the day.

2. Work work work.
I'm definitely not a person to be cheap... so on weekends I work every morning for at least 4-5 hours. Because of my classes being so early I never have time to schedule work times. I accepted the fact that waking up early and making money will only suffice. Plus it is a good way to start my day because it makes me feel a little better that I'm not wasting my time. I'm actually using the whole day!

3. Sleeping early.
Knowing I have an early morning also pushes me to sleep early. I was never one to like sleeping early... but knowing I have to wake up early than usual - I make sure I get my ten hours of sleep. It's not fun to feel tired during the day and being a grump. Sleep is important! I need to re-energize somehow!

Love,
Mari J Leano

19/365 multicultural scholar's kick off senior question

I am currently a part of a very prestigious scholars program called, "Multicultural Scholars" at Maryville University.  Today we had our scholar's kick off event where the director and my great mentor, boss, and advisor - Turan Mullins, officially laid out the foundation and whole new outlook of what the scholars program is, what is new about it, and what our expectations are.

Towards the end of the event, Turan says, "May I have my seniors stand please and tell us about how the program has impacted you, your regrets, what you learned...." and so on.  When he said that - I freaked out because I am not good at public speaking and thinking on the spot... so I played it off with some jokes, made people laugh, and told them to be yourself.  But of course - I have more to that.  And here it is.

For these past four years in this program - it has taught me many different things, but two stand out to me the most.  First is - be a better version of you.  As you go through this program you will understand that getting out of your comfort zone, going to different events, and just living your everyday life in a new area is helping you to become a better person everyday.  You may not realize it in a matter of seconds, but somehow and someway, you have managed to become a little better than you were a day before.  There are days you take steps back or even days you move forward.  No matter what, embrace the better version of you.  Accept your changed self and know that it will only go up from here.

My second thing I learned as a multicultural scholar is to never have doubts.  Did you know, if you ever have doubted anything - you should never do it.  The best decision are the decisions you never doubt.  And that is what this program has taught me.  The program allowed me to embrace the nature of whatever I decided to do.  The nature of what was best for me.  I am my worst enemy, so of course I doubted myself all the time - in everything I did.  But with a great support family from the scholars, amazing advisors, and requirements that came from the scholarship to keep me in check - I began to understand that I am greater than my doubts.  I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, do it my way, and know that no matter what - I am creating a legacy not only for myself, but one for the multicultural family.

All in all, continue to work smart, manage your time spent at Maryville wisely and remember to love yourself and have no doubts.   You may not see it now, but you too, will create a legacy that will be cherished and appreciated forever in the multicultural family.   Thank you to Turan for believing and fighting for me to be a part of this wonderful family.  And thank you to all of you for accepting this award and being one of the many students that will continue to make this program exceptional.

Love,
Mari J Leano

18/365 cats

If you are already having a tough first week of school, enjoy cute gifs of cats (:

17/365 my own pet peeve

This has been something I have constantly annoyed myself with.  I get so worked up thinking about it, doing it and watching it fall in literal embarrassment.  It has nothing to do with other people.  It is all on me.  I, Marianne Joy Leano, am really bad at anything conversation related.

I am so bad when it comes to the idea of conversations.  For example, if I came into a room and saw a familiar face - I would acknowledge them with a wave and smirk.  That is it.  I would literally do nothing else but that.  Of course I could start a conversation - but I never do.  No matter how much I want to ask, "How is your day?" and all the polite jabber, it never leaves my lips.  I then get so frustrated with myself because I do not understand what type of angle I am trying to go for.  So, fun fact, I will never start conversations.  I am trying to improve on it... but improvement is still miles away.  Hopefully one day I will grow confidence to be as outgoing.

Talking about confidence, many people would think I am very outgoing and good at conversations because of what they see.  What do they see?  They see me when I am most confident and that is when I am on stage.  Whether it is singing or "acting out", I am literally my own hero at that moment.  I am totally a different person and I forget about all the nerves and anxiousness and just do me.  But my mindset is not like that all the time.  Especially when it comes to public speaking.

Public speaking anything.  I am no good at it.  I dislike talking in front of people, doing presentations, or even being a person within a group that is speaking... I can never sound right.  My mouth speaks faster than my mind can keep up, I stutter many times, I run out of breath and I sound like an anxious monkey!  Of course I realize what is going on, but I never know what to do to keep it nice and steady.  I never know how to calm myself down.

But on the bright side, the only way I can be myself and make it less awkward...  I try my best to make people laugh.  When I hear people laugh, it makes me happy.  It is like a sound of joy that rings in my ears.  When I can not speak right - I spit out a joke.  It make take the conversation to a whole different topic - but if it gives me some time to relax for just seconds, I am totally fine with that.

What is your pet peeve about yourself?  Write it in the comments below!

Love,
Mari J Leano

16/365 MLK day

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,

Did you know, you are only seventeen days older than my mother?  You, at this moment in time - would only be in your young fifties.  What if you were still alive?  What if the event of your passing, did not happen?  What would you be doing now in 2017?

What if... I wrote your story.

You, Dr. King - would probably be proud of us.  You would not only see your legacy continue, but I definitely know you would be standing right beside us no matter what age you prospered to.  Your speeches made history, but with your continued action it would inspire more to see, rather than read it in the textbooks.

You probably would reside with your family.  Telling them everyday how much you loved them all, being in there constant lives as not only a father figure but an inspiration.  You would take in those little moments of having small conversations with each of your children - being a great listener and supporter.  Your whole family would be able to come to you with worries.  But knowing you, you probably would have sent them away with wise words that will keep them thinking.  Your life would not only revolve around change, but filled with those you love.

Lastly, like many people out here - you probably would be able to have time for yourself.  Whether it be working in politics, in the church, or even just having a quiet moment.  Dr. King, you would be able to hear your own thoughts, do your own work, and be happy.  There would not be a dull moment for you at all.  "Bored" would never be a part of your daily vocabulary because the change you stir in many, continues to stir in you - change will keep you going.

But...

You do not need to be on this earth to do all of this.  Your work and change has made history.  This history has continued a legacy in many others to aspire to do justice for equalness, diversity and a liberal country where everyone is free.  For your family, they know you are with them every step of the way.  They call upon you when they need help, continue to spread your love and change, and know that as a father, you are proud of them.  Last but not least, you do have time for yourself.  What makes you happy is the nation you were determined to call free.  Civil rights and equalness has finally become a part of America.  And I know, you are proud.

So, I thank you Dr. King for fighting for change.  Without your legacy - America would not be what it is today.

Love,
Mari J Leano

15/365 why'd you change your major?

Simple. I was not good enough.  That is basically why I changed my major.

Until my freshman year of high school, I aspired to become a pediatrician.  I had my mind set on taking care of children, being an aid to others, and accepting the fact that I will be in school for a very long time.  Although, motives have changed when I was introduced to a new career.

New career, upcoming and beneficial - I listened to one my good friends speak about Biomedical Engineering.  Although her career was particularly around plants - she also glazed over Biomedical Engineering.  I could create my own medical inventions.  And that is what really struck my heart - wanting to make things that benefited many.  So, I decided to change my mindset from not only a medical standpoint but medical and engineering.

I stuck to this future in mind when I graduated from high school, started college and so forth.  But everything changed when I hit my senior year of undergraduate school.  Although I was practically finished with much of the requirements for the pre-engineering program here at Maryville University - my grade point average kept me from meeting the final requirement for Washington University in Saint Louis.  Only 0.1 away from the minimum requirement, I tried my best to convince my advisor to write me a letter of recommendation in lieu of the grade point average.

My advisor is my pre-engineering director and physics professor.  I see a lot of her and she has definitely seen a lot of me.  She has seen my work ethics in class, how I work in the labs for work study, and also knows my grades in many of my other science classes.  She was the one who helped break the hard news to me.  She was the one who basically told me, I won't be successful.

She was right.  Based on the way I worked during Physics... I was too slow to comprehend anything.  I couldn't understand a lot of the applications in a matter of seconds.  Compared to mathematics and other science classes, I was not good enough.  I had to understand that there was a possible chance of me not succeeding in the engineering program at WASHU and in the career in general.

As sad as that news has come, I decided to change back my future career to becoming a doctor.  With that, I decided to change my major to Biotechnology.  Why Biotechnology?  Well, because of the following reasons: (1) In the lab for work study, I work with a lot of bacteria - only because I am one of the leads as an assistant; (2) Out of all biology courses, microbiology and biotechnology were my best classes.  I learned a lot from the basics and applications; (3) I already do so much for the major outside of the classes and lectures that I felt fit that I would continue to be okay; and (4) My advisor actually agreed that I would be better suited for this major and my choice of career.

Let's hope my advisor and I are right about the pathway I have chosen.  I will continue to work smart, manage my time and do all I need to do to become successful.  It is a whole new game, a whole new future and practically a fresh start for me.  Marianne Joy Leano, Bachelors in Biology, concentration in Biotechnology.

Love,
Mari J Leano